Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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