i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
