All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
