if you like me you must not know who I am
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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