Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
God, I missed his penis.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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