im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
