The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
