Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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