it wasn't lemon gatorade
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
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