I can text with my tongue
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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