when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
