I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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