My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You are the jesus of drinking
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
