dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
