i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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