DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
