i used baking grease as lip gloss
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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