I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize