I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
