I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
well I can't set my house on fire every night
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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