no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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