Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Randomize
