Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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