we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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