I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
