my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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