So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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