pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
its not stalking. its research.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
