how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
