Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
