you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
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