this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
