sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
