My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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