Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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