Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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