I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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