this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
