I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
