I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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