no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
