I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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