I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
