Small penises have feelings too.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
