Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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