Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
