Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
