So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
