i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
