So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
