Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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