genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
