Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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