She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
When did angry sex become our thing?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
