This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
