We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
